Dear Tuesday, why?!?!

Oh I just love Tuesdays (she said sarcastically). I have no idea why people hate Mondays. On Monday you're all rested up with super exciting stories from your weekend to tell your coworkers; Tuesday is the day you realize the weekend is still four long, miserable days away… Lame.

 

Today is no different. Let me start off by saying that at 5:00 this morning, the temperature outside was a balmy 2 degrees with a wind chill factor of -9. Brr.  The boyfriend is out of town this week so all of the dog responsibilities fall on me, and of course it’s like the coldest week of the year. I really don’t mind taking the dog out, he’s half mine. I just prefer the front half as opposed to the rear. So my day starts with taking the dog out, slipping and sliding up and down and up and down the ice covered hill while he spends 10 minutes finding the perfect place to drop a steaming load.

 

After that little arctic jaunt, I go to hop in the shower and there’s an eight-legger in the shower!!!  I am so terrified of these things that the S-word gives me the heebie-jeebies. I literally feel like the S-word works just like Beetlejuice, say it 3 times and *poof* you find yourself face to face with an eight-legged monstrosity! It’s the middle of frikkin winter, I haven’t seen one of them in months and one just happens to show up when I’m all alone and vulnerable…? Um, I think it’s safe to say they’re messing with me. This particular specimen looks big enough to drag me back to its colony and sacrifice me to the gods! Ok, maybe I’m slightly exaggerating. Anyway, I really have no choice but to cowboy-up and kill it, and I figure that if I use the boyfriend’s size 17 Jordans this will put more distance between the smasher (me) and the smashee (the 8-legger). WRONG!! This (probably scientifically engineered) creature avoids being smashed and scuttles down the grooves in the sole of the shoe towards me!! This obviously evokes an ear piercing scream and interpretive dance from me as I attempt to dislodge him by smacking the shoe against the toilet hoping I can just flush him and be done with it. No luck. He's pulled a Houdini! And I'm sure his only thoughts now are "SEND A BATTLE CRY TO THE OTHERS AND KILL THE BLONDE!" WTF am I supposed to do now?! There is no way in H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks I can get in the shower until I find and destroy him! So, I spend five terror filled minutes looking for him until I finally find him and I smash him. I smash him dead.

 

Then, I get to work and my very first phone call (literally 2 minutes after I walk in the door) is from a Crazy McCrazypants. This lovely gentleman informs me that if I don’t let him speak to the Chief of Police right now, he’s going to find me and I’m going to regret it. That’s the short version of our conversation. The long version involves a whole slew of creative threats and multitudes of expletives. Aren’t people lovely? I knew I should have called in sick today. 

 

Stay tuned for more adventures of Murphy’s Law personified.

Ah, we meet again.

One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to write more, so here goes. I actually typed this up a couple weeks ago, but I’ve been a slacker about posting it. Here’s what’s been going on since the last time I wrote. I got a job (yay!), I had a relatively routine surgery that cost me 10 days in ICU, and I got fatter (like 30lbs fatter).

 

The job. It’s a government job, so the money is shitty and so are the benefits, but hey I’d pretty much have to rape and murder someone on my desk with my boss watching to get fired. So there’s that. But there’s also the fact that I genuinely like everyone that I work with/for, everyone is pretty laid back and (most of the time) my job doesn’t suck.

 

The surgery. I had Grave’s Disease, which basically is just an overactive/enlarged thyroid gland. Well I scheduled my surgery for September the 13^th, which was a Friday… maybe I should have taken that as an omen. I go in on Friday morning and wake up Saturday night with a bunch of tubes coming out of me like literally everywhere: Feeding tube, breathing tubes, IV, catheter, heart monitor, etc. Long story short, I had an epic Thyroid Storm while they were operating and thus led to my 10-day ICU vacation. Here are some super fun activities to do in the ICU: Involuntarily pee into a bag, get pneumonia, take some super awesome pain meds that make you think there are kittens crawling all over you, lose a bunch of muscle mass & have to have physical therapy, poop in plain view of the nurses’ station, have 18 pillows on your bed like you’re Princess Jasmine, wear a hospital gown when you only own thongs, wash your hands 57 times a day (because hospitals are very icky), eat super yummy hospital food until someone that loves you brings you food that was meant for actual human consumption and watch a lot of Bravo TV.

 

The fat. With all the muscle mass I lost in the hospital (and the gigantic thyroid they removed), I actually left there about 10-15lbs lighter than when I was admitted! Yes! But then it all went downhill. Underactive thyroid is a bitch! I thought overactive thyroid was bad, but I’ll take being hot and hungry all the time over freezing my arse off and gaining weight just looking at celery any day! Seriously, if they could just put my thyroid back in that would be super-d-duper! This is where things go downhill. A couple weeks after my surgery, my body starts to realize that it no longer has a thyroid. What does this mean for me? Loads of super fun things like arthritic feeling joints, being cold ALWAYS, muscle cramps like a mother, extreme exhaustion and just loads of awesome times. I’m not sure if anyone knows this or not, but if you have a below normal metabolism (aka post thyroidectomy metabolism), you don’t workout and you eat like an emotional blue whale you’re gonna get fat. Like real fat. Like Professor Klump fat. Also, if you don’t own a scale, that first doctor’s visit after about a month or so is gonna be a HUGE shocker.

 

So, that’s about all that’s been going on recently. Stay tuned for more adventures of Murphy’s Law personified…

Long thyme no type..

Yes, I intentionally spelled it "thyme" because mine just died. It was so pretty, I went out of town for 4 days & it died.

Oh well. I just want to get into the swing of blogging. I feel weird saying that. Is it 2007? lol

I'm happy to report that I am no longer Unemployed!! I am, however, still Fat and Old... I'm coming to terms with the Old, but the Fat still needs to change. I've re-started Zumba-ing. I love it! I bought a membership!! A full year's commitment! Yay me!

Well I guess that's enough for now. I'm going to start actually writing things on here... probably... hopefully...

Until then here's a picture of a cute puppy:

Ok, that's not just a cute puppy, it's my cute pup!

19 May 2012

I'm overweight. AGAIN! I am rapidly nearing thirty. I live in my mother's house with four other people 2 dogs, 2 cats and a ghost or two (but that’s a story for another time). It's a bit crowded.  I'm recently unemployed, and haven’t a clue what to do with myself.  I'm sitting here watching my 7^th consecutive episode of Ellen on my DVR. I've come to the not-so-surprising conclusion that I'm Fat, Old & Unemployed. I need to get my life in order ASAP! But how in the world do you change your life at (nearly) thirty!? I guess I should tackle one thing at a time…. What shall it be: Fat, Old or Unemployed?

Fat. I didn't used to be fat. Well... I wasn't, and then I was, and then I wasn't and now I'm back. I blame stress. Mostly because I don't want to blame myself. Who does? So, what can I do about being fat? Ah, yes it’s so easy just get up and workout! Right? Well it’s not that easy. I’m fat old & unemployed it does something to my psyche and makes me entirely content to sit on the couch and watch daytime talk shows until I become part of the upholstery. And as my unemployment continues I find it increasingly hard to get off the couch to do anything, but I guess this is something. It’s not going to get my fat ass in shape, but it’s a start. A teeny weeny baby step, hopefully in the right direction. I have a veritable smorgasbord of activities I can do, especially now that it’s starting to get warm outside. Here are the activities at my disposal: A Wii with Wii Fitness and EA Sports Active, 40+ (I kid you not) workout DVDs to include Pilates, TaeBo, Ballet & Yoga, 2 kayaks, a puppy that also needs exercise and The Great Outdoors! What to do, what to do… I have no clue what to do first, so I’ll start by eliminating options. First the Wii there’s no way I’m going to pass up Mario Kart to “play” Wii Fit. I’m just not, so that’s out. Fitness DVDs? Same concept, why would I pop in Pilates when I can watch a movie? The Kayaks are a lot of fun! However they’re a pain in the arse to get out of the garage & into the water, we’ll save those for another day. Well, that leaves me with my dog (Duke) and the great outdoors. OK! Now I have a starting point. I will take Duke for a walk.

There’s not much I can do about the Old. I am however working on repairing the damage that my time on this planet has done to my face & body. I use anti-aging lotion day and night! I make my own totally organic face & body scrub and I try really hard to drink more water. With my plethora of other problems I think this is good for now.

Moving on to Unemployment, I just got fired! Out of the blue!! I haven’t been fired since I was 16! This being only the 2^nd time I’ve been fired it came as quite a shock. My time at ABC (the name I’ve given to my former employer to ensure their anonymity) ended about 3 weeks ago. It’s a really long story that is much too long for this first post. Don’t worry it’s rather boring and I’m sure I’ll get to it another time anyway. My plan to not be unemployed any longer… hmm… I feel this problem may need to be solved at the root. Let me see… what is the root of this problem? I’ve always bounced around jobs, never been fired, always gave a 2 week notice, but I’ve never been satisfied at any one particular job. The closest I came to being satisfied with a job was when I was Active Duty Air Force in Dover, DE. I loved my job, but hated all the BS that comes along with being in the military. Now I should move on to finding a similar job in the civilian world right? Believe it or not these thoughts are just now coming to me. This writing thing is really therapeutic. But I digress… back to employment or unemployment as the case may be. Civilian job that relates to the job I had in Dover… Air Traffic Control comes to mind. I will find out more about Air Traffic Control.

I don't know what this will end up being about or if I’ll even write anything else. I have all these thoughts that whirr around non-stop in my headspace that need freed. After I wrote about 2 sentences, I just stared at my computer screen for almost 2 hours hoping for inspiration. None came. What is the best way to get ideas? Steal them of course! mwahaha. I popped over to my friend Ashley's blog (http://operationashley.blogspot.com) and saw this list-type thing from one of her first posts and decided to steal it. About half way through inspiration hit and I finished this post, but I decided to finish it & put in here anyway because it was fun, so here it is:

If I were a month, I would be… September because it was when I first graced this planet nearly 30 years go.
If I were a day of the week, I would be Saturday.

If I were a time of day, I would be mealtime! This is probably why I’m Fat.

If I were a planet, I would be Uranus because it makes me giggle every time.
If I were a sea animal, I would be a Shark or a Cuttlefish. It’s a tough choice.
If I were a direction, I would be a little west of true north.
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be a chest of drawers. Oh the secret one can find in an underwear drawer.
If I were a liquid, I would be the ocean.
If I were a gemstone, I would be an aquamarine.
If I were a tree, I would be a Granny Smith apple tree. Yum!
If I were a tool, I would be The Situation because he’s the biggest tool on the planet.
If I were a flower, I would be a dandelion, but not the yellow kind the white ones that have those floaty seed puffs.
If I were a kind of weather, I would be a tropical breeze.

If I were a musical instrument, I would be a trumpet so I can scare basic trainees out of their beds!
If I were a color, I would be pink. Not because it’s my favorite color, but because it’s girly and bright and fun.
If I were an emotion, I would be in love. There's nothing better than being in love! (total steal from Ashley)
If I were a fruit, I would be a pineapple because I’m prickly on the outside but a sweet sunny yellow on the inside.
If I were a sound, I would be silence because it’s golden.
If I were an element, I would be hydrogen so I could bond with oxygen. He seems like a pretty cool dude.

If I were a car, I would be expensive.

If I were a food, I would be pasta.
If I were a place, I would be Hawaii.

If I were a material, I would be silk, because I’m so smoooooth.
If I were a taste, I would be old vine zinfandel
If I were a scent, I would be the smell of cotton candy. 
If I were an object, I would be a giant flat screen TV so I could be the center of attention at all times.
If I were a body part, I would the brain.
If I were a facial expression, I would be a wink.
If I were a song, I would be Oklahoma Breakdown by Stoney LaRue.
If I were a pair of shoes, I would be the cutest pair of flats on the planet.