One of my New Year’s Resolutions is to write more, so here goes. I actually typed this up a couple weeks ago, but I’ve been a slacker about posting it. Here’s what’s been going on since the last time I wrote. I got a job (yay!), I had a relatively routine surgery that cost me 10 days in ICU, and I got fatter (like 30lbs fatter).
The job. It’s a government job, so the money is shitty and so are the benefits, but hey I’d pretty much have to rape and murder someone on my desk with my boss watching to get fired. So there’s that. But there’s also the fact that I genuinely like everyone that I work with/for, everyone is pretty laid back and (most of the time) my job doesn’t suck.
The surgery. I had Grave’s Disease, which basically is just an overactive/enlarged thyroid gland. Well I scheduled my surgery for September the 13th, which was a Friday… maybe I should have taken that as an omen. I go in on Friday morning and wake up Saturday night with a bunch of tubes coming out of me like literally everywhere: Feeding tube, breathing tubes, IV, catheter, heart monitor, etc. Long story short, I had an epic Thyroid Storm while they were operating and thus led to my 10-day ICU vacation. Here are some super fun activities to do in the ICU: Involuntarily pee into a bag, get pneumonia, take some super awesome pain meds that make you think there are kittens crawling all over you, lose a bunch of muscle mass & have to have physical therapy, poop in plain view of the nurses’ station, have 18 pillows on your bed like you’re Princess Jasmine, wear a hospital gown when you only own thongs, wash your hands 57 times a day (because hospitals are very icky), eat super yummy hospital food until someone that loves you brings you food that was meant for actual human consumption and watch a lot of Bravo TV.
The fat. With all the muscle mass I lost in the hospital (and the gigantic thyroid they removed), I actually left there about 10-15lbs lighter than when I was admitted! Yes! But then it all went downhill. Underactive thyroid is a bitch! I thought overactive thyroid was bad, but I’ll take being hot and hungry all the time over freezing my arse off and gaining weight just looking at celery any day! Seriously, if they could just put my thyroid back in that would be super-d-duper! This is where things go downhill. A couple weeks after my surgery, my body starts to realize that it no longer has a thyroid. What does this mean for me? Loads of super fun things like arthritic feeling joints, being cold ALWAYS, muscle cramps like a mother, extreme exhaustion and just loads of awesome times. I’m not sure if anyone knows this or not, but if you have a below normal metabolism (aka post thyroidectomy metabolism), you don’t workout and you eat like an emotional blue whale you’re gonna get fat. Like real fat. Like Professor Klump fat. Also, if you don’t own a scale, that first doctor’s visit after about a month or so is gonna be a HUGE shocker.
So, that’s about all that’s been going on recently. Stay tuned for more adventures of Murphy’s Law personified…
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