19 May 2012

I'm overweight. AGAIN! I am rapidly nearing thirty. I live in my mother's house with four other people 2 dogs, 2 cats and a ghost or two (but that’s a story for another time). It's a bit crowded.  I'm recently unemployed, and haven’t a clue what to do with myself.  I'm sitting here watching my 7^th consecutive episode of Ellen on my DVR. I've come to the not-so-surprising conclusion that I'm Fat, Old & Unemployed. I need to get my life in order ASAP! But how in the world do you change your life at (nearly) thirty!? I guess I should tackle one thing at a time…. What shall it be: Fat, Old or Unemployed?

Fat. I didn't used to be fat. Well... I wasn't, and then I was, and then I wasn't and now I'm back. I blame stress. Mostly because I don't want to blame myself. Who does? So, what can I do about being fat? Ah, yes it’s so easy just get up and workout! Right? Well it’s not that easy. I’m fat old & unemployed it does something to my psyche and makes me entirely content to sit on the couch and watch daytime talk shows until I become part of the upholstery. And as my unemployment continues I find it increasingly hard to get off the couch to do anything, but I guess this is something. It’s not going to get my fat ass in shape, but it’s a start. A teeny weeny baby step, hopefully in the right direction. I have a veritable smorgasbord of activities I can do, especially now that it’s starting to get warm outside. Here are the activities at my disposal: A Wii with Wii Fitness and EA Sports Active, 40+ (I kid you not) workout DVDs to include Pilates, TaeBo, Ballet & Yoga, 2 kayaks, a puppy that also needs exercise and The Great Outdoors! What to do, what to do… I have no clue what to do first, so I’ll start by eliminating options. First the Wii there’s no way I’m going to pass up Mario Kart to “play” Wii Fit. I’m just not, so that’s out. Fitness DVDs? Same concept, why would I pop in Pilates when I can watch a movie? The Kayaks are a lot of fun! However they’re a pain in the arse to get out of the garage & into the water, we’ll save those for another day. Well, that leaves me with my dog (Duke) and the great outdoors. OK! Now I have a starting point. I will take Duke for a walk.

There’s not much I can do about the Old. I am however working on repairing the damage that my time on this planet has done to my face & body. I use anti-aging lotion day and night! I make my own totally organic face & body scrub and I try really hard to drink more water. With my plethora of other problems I think this is good for now.

Moving on to Unemployment, I just got fired! Out of the blue!! I haven’t been fired since I was 16! This being only the 2^nd time I’ve been fired it came as quite a shock. My time at ABC (the name I’ve given to my former employer to ensure their anonymity) ended about 3 weeks ago. It’s a really long story that is much too long for this first post. Don’t worry it’s rather boring and I’m sure I’ll get to it another time anyway. My plan to not be unemployed any longer… hmm… I feel this problem may need to be solved at the root. Let me see… what is the root of this problem? I’ve always bounced around jobs, never been fired, always gave a 2 week notice, but I’ve never been satisfied at any one particular job. The closest I came to being satisfied with a job was when I was Active Duty Air Force in Dover, DE. I loved my job, but hated all the BS that comes along with being in the military. Now I should move on to finding a similar job in the civilian world right? Believe it or not these thoughts are just now coming to me. This writing thing is really therapeutic. But I digress… back to employment or unemployment as the case may be. Civilian job that relates to the job I had in Dover… Air Traffic Control comes to mind. I will find out more about Air Traffic Control.

I don't know what this will end up being about or if I’ll even write anything else. I have all these thoughts that whirr around non-stop in my headspace that need freed. After I wrote about 2 sentences, I just stared at my computer screen for almost 2 hours hoping for inspiration. None came. What is the best way to get ideas? Steal them of course! mwahaha. I popped over to my friend Ashley's blog (http://operationashley.blogspot.com) and saw this list-type thing from one of her first posts and decided to steal it. About half way through inspiration hit and I finished this post, but I decided to finish it & put in here anyway because it was fun, so here it is:

If I were a month, I would be… September because it was when I first graced this planet nearly 30 years go.
If I were a day of the week, I would be Saturday.

If I were a time of day, I would be mealtime! This is probably why I’m Fat.

If I were a planet, I would be Uranus because it makes me giggle every time.
If I were a sea animal, I would be a Shark or a Cuttlefish. It’s a tough choice.
If I were a direction, I would be a little west of true north.
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be a chest of drawers. Oh the secret one can find in an underwear drawer.
If I were a liquid, I would be the ocean.
If I were a gemstone, I would be an aquamarine.
If I were a tree, I would be a Granny Smith apple tree. Yum!
If I were a tool, I would be The Situation because he’s the biggest tool on the planet.
If I were a flower, I would be a dandelion, but not the yellow kind the white ones that have those floaty seed puffs.
If I were a kind of weather, I would be a tropical breeze.

If I were a musical instrument, I would be a trumpet so I can scare basic trainees out of their beds!
If I were a color, I would be pink. Not because it’s my favorite color, but because it’s girly and bright and fun.
If I were an emotion, I would be in love. There's nothing better than being in love! (total steal from Ashley)
If I were a fruit, I would be a pineapple because I’m prickly on the outside but a sweet sunny yellow on the inside.
If I were a sound, I would be silence because it’s golden.
If I were an element, I would be hydrogen so I could bond with oxygen. He seems like a pretty cool dude.

If I were a car, I would be expensive.

If I were a food, I would be pasta.
If I were a place, I would be Hawaii.

If I were a material, I would be silk, because I’m so smoooooth.
If I were a taste, I would be old vine zinfandel
If I were a scent, I would be the smell of cotton candy. 
If I were an object, I would be a giant flat screen TV so I could be the center of attention at all times.
If I were a body part, I would the brain.
If I were a facial expression, I would be a wink.
If I were a song, I would be Oklahoma Breakdown by Stoney LaRue.
If I were a pair of shoes, I would be the cutest pair of flats on the planet.